


drowning in an ocean of mistakes

by makebelieveworlds, orphan_account



Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Breakup, M/M, and philip is tired of it, lukas is an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 23:19:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8642158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makebelieveworlds/pseuds/makebelieveworlds, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It feels like his heart is going to stop because he knows full well this was coming. 
or; when the truth finally comes out, no one can stop the inevitable.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello there :-) I hope you enjoy this angst that I wrote with the most lovely person ever <3

Philip wishes he never met the boy known as Lukas Waldenbeck.

He wishes that he could go back to the city, go live with his mom, go _somewhere_ that was as far away as possible from the damned hell he’s currently in. Whenever he was around Lukas it felt like he was drowning—and he didn’t mean that in a pleasant sense. Philip was drowning. He could feel his lungs filling with water when someone even mentioned Lukas’s name. When they were together, that’s when the burning sensation starts. When they kissed, that’s when he feels his body being torn apart with the need to breathe. But then Lukas walks away like Philip doesn’t mean a goddamn thing to him, and he can’t decide what feeling is worse.

They both hurt equally as much. It’s just—there’s something different with knowing that he will never be good for Lukas. He will never be the person that Lukas takes home because _that is impossible_. He will never be able to love him in public, and he will never be able to hear those words come out of his mouth because Lukas is just that fucking terrified of someone hearing. He’s so scared of someone knowing that he likes guys, that he likes _Philip_. He’s not used to having to hide from people because in the city no one fucking cares. There’s pride flags hung with care, no one batters an eye at two boys or girls holding hands in the street. But in the country? Things are so different, in so many ways, and Philip despises it.

He remembers his mom’s words when she found out he was gay. _Does he treat you right?_ She put out her cigarette and walked over to her son, gave him a big hug when he answered yes, then said, _“make sure he always treats you right. You’re worth a thousand stars, baby. Don’t let someone ever put your light out, okay?”_

He misses his mom. _Fuck._ Philip misses his mom so much. Helen was great, she was someone to talk to. And he never really had a male figure in his life that cared, so Gabe was a good different to have. But no one could ever compare to the person he relied on so heavily. That’s the thing about Philip; he loves so hard and whole that when he’s in it, he’s in it. The loyalty will always be there.

And then, and then Lukas has the nerve to brush him off so easily. Like he’s fucking _ashamed_ to be the person he is, to be with Philip. It hurts. He has to accept that fact, and he really doesn’t like it.

Lukas has grown keen to acting like he can transition from Philip to Rose so easily. Another thing that Philip really doesn’t like. But there’s a part of him that tries to sympathize with Lukas. It’s hard, sometimes, to figure out sexuality. It’s confusing. There’s those racing thoughts that won’t go away, and most of the time talking to another person is hard to come by. Though, none of that is a justification for the way he’s been treated. Lukas can’t have the best of both worlds; he can’t have everything—his sponsorship, Rose, and Philip. The decision still weighs heavily on Philip’s mind, and it’s not even his decision to make. He’s just, he’s scared. Really scared.

Not to even mention the fact that now their other little secret is out in the open. _Philip wasn’t lying_.

“I couldn’t—” Lukas tries telling Philip, but stops his sentence when he sees Philip’s face. It’s riddled with confusion, anger, and pain. He hates that he’s caused this, caused the boy he likes to feel the need to uproot his happiness just so he doesn’t have to see him anymore.

“You didn’t want me to tell, so I didn’t,” he draws out slowly with arms crossed at his torso. “Then I did to protect you and you get pissed at me, and make up a stupid fucking lie and made it sound like I was always meant to be just like my mom! Is that all you people think of me?”

“No! That’s not what I—”

“Shut up!” Philip yells, and it takes the both of them by surprise. He’s usually so quiet, so understanding, so calm in situations. But a person can only be so understanding for so long until they get enough of the shit they’ve been through.

“Let me talk for once,” he continues, “I followed along with your bullshit, I risked my life and your own just so people wouldn’t know we were together that night. I’ve put myself through so much pain just for you because I fucking—it doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve had enough, Lukas.”

And it feels like his heart is going to stop because he knows full well this was coming. It was only a matter of time because Philip isn’t this kind of person someone can walk over until they just break him. But he didn’t want to lose him, and now he has and he’s all alone in a room where he used to be warmed up by the boy he _loved_.

“You can’t—you can’t just leave,” but even as he says it, he knows he's going to and there’s not a damn thing he can do to make him stay. He isn’t shiny or new, and boys like Philip doesn't fall in love with boys like him, boys that destruct and rip hearts until there’s nothing left of the two of them.

“You punched me and pushed me away like I was trash. I’m done with being your toy.”

But he wasn’t a toy. Every other damn thing was only a chess piece, but Philip was the whole damn thing. The king of Lukas’s heart, and he doesn’t know what to say to fix everything he’s fucked up.

“Philip, baby—”

“You have no fucking right, Lukas,” he grinds out. “Everything I did was for you because I know how hard it can be to not fit in. Look at me, do I look like I fit in out here? Anywhere? I did everything I could to make sure you would never feel that way. I let you knock me down and use me over and over.”

Lukas feels like crying. He knows there’s no way to gain trust again. He knows there’s nothing he can say. He knows that the only way for Philip to be happy again is if he leaves. But it’s hard. That’s what’s hard, and what’s terrifying, and what’s been haunting his nightmares ever since that night. It’s not just Philip getting shot. It’s living in a world that doesn’t have him in it. It’s so dull without his smile, and it’s boring without his laughs, and it’s hard to feel anything without his kisses. There’s nothing he wants more in this moment than a reverse button to go back and make everything right. _A perfect world._ But those only exist in books, right? Lukas was never meant to have a perfect world, and neither was Philip. They cross paths, but their stories go on separately. They’re the same story on different pages with different endings each time. A never ending loop of fuck ups and goodbyes that should never fucking happen in the first place.

He’s a goddamn fool, that’s what Lukas is. He leans forward and presses his lips to Philip’s quickly. It’s useless, he knows that, but he’s hoping—fucking _praying_ —that someone will finally cut him some slack.

But they don’t.

Philip places his hands flat on Lukas’s chest, and shoves. He wipes his mouth, letting out a bitter laugh. “You’re fucking unbelievable, you know that? You can’t just—goddammit, Lukas. You can’t do this to me.”

“I’m not trying to do anything!” Lukas retorts. “I gave up the gun for you. I gave it up because I wanted to be with you!”

Philip scoffs. “Wanted to be with me? There is no eventuality for us. There isn’t a world where we date like normal people and go on dates and hold hands and I’m fucking sick of you being ashamed of me!” His voice quivers as he speaks and Lukas feels like he’s standing on quicksand.

The way Philip looks at him, like he’s so sure of what he’s said, that Lukas is so ashamed of him. Fuck. He’s the boy he likes; the boy he’d do most anything for by mainly ends up hurting. And now he’s walking away, angry that he’s tried to kiss him, and he doesn’t even blame him. A kiss is a bandaid on a bullet hole, and he’s swimming in the ocean of flames he’s made between them. He’s nearly touching him, the boys so close, but there’s a million miles between them. And Philip, the boy he couldn’t believe the universe had come up with, Philip, hope and joy incarnated, thought that he was ashamed of him. After Lukas touched him, his hands felt like they’d touched angels; heavenly touch and aura following every step he’ll ever take. Loving Philip was a blessing, and he’ll never be ashamed for a blessing from the universe.

“You don’t...you can’t honestly think I’m ashamed of you?”

It comes out in a whisper, and of fucking course he does. He’s lied to him, cheated on him, hurt him in every way possible. Someone’s given him the most valuable thing he will ever have, and he’s made it feel broken. Philip doesn’t even look at him. He just looks down at his shoes, then walks away, not bracing the love of his life a single glance.

And Lukas falls down on the floor in tears, clutching the flannel he’d left behind. It hurts, like he’s drowning. For the first time since Philip came into his life, he finally feels the same thing as him. He feels all the love, all the heart twisting love that makes him want to explode. But he also feels the pain. The pain that he caused this boy, this lovely boy who turned his life upside in more ways than one.

They both feel like they’re drowning, and the worst part is they no longer can save each other.


End file.
